Top Five Country Singer Car Deaths

First their lover left them… then their dog died… then so did they. In their car.

Hank Williams d 1953

The car: 1952 Cadillac convertible

Perhaps the most revered country musician of all, passed away in the back of a car while being driven to a gig in Charleston by a student ironically named Charles Carr. Cause of death, according to the coroner, was "acute right ventricular dilation"… or to put it another way… ole Hank died of a broken heart.

 Johnny Horton d 1960

The car: 1959 Cadillac

With his good looks and a 1960 Best Country & Western Song Grammy for "The Battle of New Orleans", fame and fortune beckoned Johnny. Unfortunately so did a certain Mr Death. The night Johnny died, he was driving his Cadillac home from the Austin Skylight Club. The Austin Skylight Club was also the last place Hank Williams played… Hank Williams also owned a Caddy… and Johnny had married Hank’s widow, Billie Jean Jones Eshlimar.

Dottie West d 1960

The car: 1982 Plymouth Reliant

Best known for her emotional country ballads with King Of The Emotional Country Ballads, Kenny Rogers, Dottie was killed when her 81-year-old neighbour lost control of the car he was driving Dottie to a show in. Dottie’s car – one given to her by Kenny – wouldn’t start and old Mr Thackton kindly offered her a lift…

Billy Walker d 2006

The car: Transit Van

Best known for his 1962 hit “(I’d Like To Be In) Charlie’s Shoes", Billy was a card-carrying Nashville legend with 24 albums during his 60-year career. Driving back to Nashville after a performance in Foley, Alabama, the van he was driving veered of Interstate 65 in the early hours of the morning killing Billy, his wife, and two other band members.

Betty Jack Davis Walker d 1953

The car: unknown

The Davis Sisters were best known for their confidently-titled 1953 hit, “I’ll Forget More Than You’ll Ever Know”. It was a song that Betty Jack and her identically-surnamed-but-unrelated musical partner Skeeter Davis sung to no.1 on the US country charts. Sadly, soon after the release of their hit, their car was involved in a head-on collision. Betty Jack was killed instantly but Skeeter survived with concussion and internal injuries

Curried Cat. It’s really good

On Test… the Jaguar XFR and the Jaguar XKR

Hot and sweaty…. usually that’s a fairly uncomfortable state to be in. There are, however, three situations where the spike in one’s temperature can be the result of something altogether more pleasurable.

And for two of those, one can thank the wonderful people of India.

Firstly, there’s nothing like a potent Indian curry to get the juices flowing. A good Vindaloo or, if you’re really brave, a Phal will open your pores faster than a Finnish sauna packed with Swedish supermodels.

And secondly, there’s an Indian car called a Jaguar. Especially one with the letter “R” affixed to its arse. Yes, Jaguar – though the Brits don’t like to talk about it much – is in fact owned by the Indians. Tata are India’s largest automobile company and four years ago they bought both the Jaguar and Land Rover brands. And thank Ghandi for that. Since then both brands have flourished – none more so than Jag. And none more so than Jags called “something something R”.

Recently we’ve had the pleasure to drive both the Jaguar XKR sportscar and the XFR saloon. In both instances the “R” stands for Reallyfast and that’s because both share a brilliant lump of metal that is Jag’s supercharged 5.0-litre V8. It’s a wonder. The engine sends 375kW barreling to the rear wheels – two sizey bands of rubber that are barely able to transmit all that wattage to the road. Both the XKR and the XFR will easily do 250km/h (more like 300km/h if you removed its electronic engine management shackles), but that’s not its most impressive bit. It’s the 625Nm of torque, the low down grunt, the midrange power the engine has to accelerate in third, fourth and fifth gear that is simply gobsmacking.

Jaguar XFR

And so is the price. Both are over a million South African Rands, and the lithe XKR is a couple of R100k dearer than its four-door sibling. In this price-bracket though, a couple of hundred thou isn’t going to break the bank now is it, and it’s practicality and a measure of personal taste that will dictate your choice of cat.

Both cars are fairly heavy topping the two ton mark, but their road dynamics belie their bulk and both are nimble and agile through the corners. Gradually pushing the car’s adhesive limits is well advised and even with the traction control gizmos switched on, all that power does cause the back end to let go should you flex your right ankle at the a little too early while exiting a corner.

Jaguar XKR

It’s a simple choice in the end. Do you want to go really fast and leave great swathes of tyre rubber in your wake with a couple of passengers in the rear seats? Or do you want to go really fast and leave great swathes of tyre rubber in your wake with only, maybe, one person sitting next to you? If it’s the former, get the XFR… the latter, then the XKR should be parked in your garage. You lucky bastard.

The Jaguar XKR costs R1 260 400 and the Jaguar XFR costsR1 044 900

(as appeared in the June issue of the Kuluma, the Kulula airline in-flight mag)

And The Oscar Goes To….

Ralph Fie… I mean the BMW 650i !!

Ralph Fiennes. Now there’s a fine actor. And so versatile too. He’s one of those chameleon-like thespians who doesn’t merely act, he “becomes”. In fact he’s so good at becoming his character that you forget he’s actually acting in the movie. That evil Nazi camp commander in Schindler’s List? The determined husband in The Constant Gardener? Lord Voldemort himself? Oh yes, all our man Ralph.

Even his name is versatile. You could call him “Ralph” as in "Alf" – the nice chap he is, no doubt he’ll leave your faux pax unchallenged – but those familiar with the arcane enunciations of really posh English names know it’s pronounced “Rafe”.

The new BMW 650i, you’ll be pleased to know, is a lot like Ralph.

Like the English actor, the German automobile is equally capable of several different roles. Thanks to its Drive Dynamic Control and the very clever electronics this employs, you essentially own three different cars, all accessed via a couple of buttons on the centre consol. Toggling between Comfort, Sport, and Sport+ you have anything from corduroy-jacket wearing Quiz Show college professor Ralph, to pasty-skinned, ethereal-cloak-of-pure-evil-wearing Harry Potter Ralph at your beck and call.

In Comfort mode the Beemer will happily tootle around the ’burbs with softer suspension settings and appropriately chilled out throttle, steering, and gear change responses. In this persona, it’s a total bullevard cruiser, perfect for a slo-mo glide up to the nearest red carpet.

But flip it two notches up into Sport+…and the car shapeshifts into something entirely different. Now it’s a powerful and lithe athlete. The twin-turbo 4.4-litre V8 releases the full wrath of its 300kW, the suspension adopts a far more purposeful pose, and the gearbox swaps cogs with the kind of speed that requires an Einsteinian equation.

Make no mistake, this is a big, heavy car, but in Sport+ it behaves like anything but that. It’s nimble, responsive and flippin’… flippin’… fast. Scary fast. In fact the in-between Sport mode rather than Sport+ is probably the option most suitable for the kind day-to-day road driving that’ll still put a smile on your face without needing a change of underwear.

Like Ralph, this Bavarian’s versatility extends to its name too. It’s the BMW 650 to some… but to those in the know… it’s Beh Em Veh Sechs Fünfzig. Not so Ralph?

The BMW 650i sells for R1 149 773

(as published in the Kulula in-flight mag, Khuluma)

Extract from "SuperVan & I"

http://www.randomstruik.co.za/us3rd0cs/9781770221703-1331120498.pdf

Top 5 Really Slow Vehicles

Bugatti Veyron Super Sport? Koenigsegg Agera R? No siree bob... it's not the world’s fastest cars we celebrate today…but the slowest.

Slowest Early Car: 1769 Cugnot Steamer
“Car” is a debatable term, but whatever it was, Nicolas Cugnot’s experimental steam-powered cannon hauler was the world’s first self-propelled vehicle. Top speed – a mighty 6km/h. Being both slower and harder to operate than a horse-drawn vehicle, not to mention the fact that it was prone to exploding (also something not often associated with horses), the Cugnot Steamer never quite caught on..

Slowest Production Car Ever: 1950 VW Type 2
The very first Kombi – yes that hippy dream machine – might’ve been a groundbreaking piece of pragmatic automotive design, but it was wa-hayy too light in the trousers. A 24bhp engine trying to propel a one tonne car translated in to 0-100km/h time of 75 seconds. Smoke enough doob though and 75 seconds can pass by in the blink of any eye. Peace.

Slowest Porsche: 2010 Porsche GT3
Created by Austrian artist Hannes Langeder using little more than aluminium foil, sticky tape and bits of bicycle, this pedal-powered Porsche GT3 replica is, apparently, “an artistic comment questioning whether a sports car exists as a driving thrill or a symbol of wealth”. Heavy. Much like the answer to "Does a pencil exist to write on paper or absent-mindedly chew upon while thinking"... the answer is "Probably both Hannes. What's your point?"

Slowest Car You Can Buy In SA right now: Chery QQ3
Bakkies and mini-busses aside, the Slowest Car in SA title goes to the little 800cc Chery QQ3. Designed to look like a cartoon character, it manages an equally amusing 0-100km/h time of 20 seconds.

Slowest Moving Vehicle, Full stop: Space Shuttle Transporter
When fully loaded, this mighty wheeled wonder carried the now-defunct Shuttle from its hangar to the launch pad at 1km/h. With a fuel consumption of 296 litres of diesel per kilometre, it was probably the thirstiest vehicle in the world too. "Brake Jim, Braaaaake!!! Phew that was close. We nearly hit that guy."

As appeared in the December 2011 issue of the Kulula in-flight magazine

The Mayans Made Me Do It

Although initially skeptical, I'm beginning to worry those damn Mayans might be onto something...

Yesterday my day started out with a fairly snarky posting on my Facebook profile that said, and I quote (myself)...

Yes it is pretty funny, isn't it. I read it somewhere, I'm not sure where. But it got the requisite "hahahas" and "likes" one gets on one's Facebook page. Subsequent events, however, have led me to think those Mayans might not be as wrong as I'd mockingly alluded too.

You see, before the day was up, I was biting into a heart burn-guaranteeing, artery-lining, life-shortening cheese pie from the Spar. And usually it would be a cold day in hell - or another muggy day on the Yucatan - before I sink my teeth into a pastry of this vintage.

Somehow, the universe totally maneuvered me into eating this dodgy cheese pie. And I'm beginning to wonder if the Mayans weren't directing proceedings.

Here's the timeline...

1. There's no bread at home, so I can't make my usual sarmie
2. The Vida down below the Red Bull HQ is still closed, so I can't buy a reasonably tasty but hugely over-priced roll.
3. The sandwich guy who comes around the office is still on holiday (clearly the sandwich business is a lucrative one)

So I get in my car and drive down the road to the Spar. Usually I'd walk, but I've got flu and I'm feeling rather crap. And into the Spar I go. They have a deli that makes sarmies..

me: Can I please have a Tuna Mayo sandwich on wholewheat.

Spar lady: Yes.

me: Thank you

Spar lady: Sorry.. no... we only have white bread.

me: Allllright... that pie... it says "spinach & feta". It has actual spinach & feta inside?

Spar lady: Yes.

me: You're sure...?

Spar lady: Yes ***rolls eyes**

me: Okay, I'll have that.

I get back to the office and take a bite of what I think is a fairly healthy and maybe even tasty pie only to find it filled with runny yellow cheese and nothing else.

Mayans... I'm telling you. Heard it here first. Okay not first, but you know what I mean.

The Juke of Funksville

On test… Nissan Juke 1.6T Tekna

Any one heard of Bootsy Collins?. You know… Bootsy… the guy with the hair, the glittery clothes, platform boots and crazy sunglasses? This guy ....

He made his name as James Brown’s bassist before becoming universally recognised as the funkiest man ever to walk the planet. Bootsy has more unadulterated funkiness on one of his rhinestone-encrusted fingers of his than the rest of us put together.

The Juke reminds me a lot of Bootsy.

What you’re looking at here is without doubt the funkiest car on the road today. It’s not the coolest, it’s not the most sophisticated, nor is it the most sensible. What it is though, is a tyre-shod funkfest that will make your head bob up and down like the legend himself was slapping his bass in the back seat.

And I’m not just talking about the looks here. Yes, the slanty headlamps, the wildly flared wheel arches, the 370Z-like tail-lights, and the B-segment-hatch-meets-small-SUV-meets-Dakar-racer vibe does all give it a distinctive groove, but it’s the rhythm section under the bonnet that holds it all together. The 1.6-litre turbo engine is flippin’ brilliant.

SA buyers will have an option of two engines – a 86kW 1.6 and a 140kW turbo’d 1.6. This test car had the later and it’s a total eyebrow raiser. The little powerplant gives the Juke proper hot-hatch performance with a quoted 0-100 time of 8 seconds and surprisingly good handling to match. There’s touch of turbo lag, but the excellent short-throw 6-speed gearbox (5-speed in lesser models) allows you to remain hooked in. There are AWD models available overseas, but for the moment our Jukes are front-wheel drives and as the car will spend its life on the asphalt, that’s no prob.

Interior space was always going to be an ergonomic challenge in a car this size – that sloping coupe-like roof doesn’t exactly make things easy. But it’s not bad actually. Two adults can sit comfortably in the back (another will be a bit of a squeeze) and upfront it’s kind of snug… more like the car wraps around you than being cramped. The boot capacity is a modest 251 litres, but there’s also a nifty hidden compartment beneath it, and the 60/40-split rear seats also fold flat… should you need to transport, say, a bass guitar.

This car is a real niche-busting game changer and I reckon Nissan’s sales staff are going to be having more customers than stock. The car is that good.

And, yes, it will take you to Funkytown.

Prices start at R198 000 for the 1.6 Acenta, up to R253 000 for the 1.6T Tekna

As appeared in the December 2011 issue of the Kulula in-flight magazine