THE AUSTIN APACHE 1971-77
My granddad had one of these. In light blue. Not one of his finest moments.
A shining example of the little-known Mirror Image School Of Design, the front half of the Apache looks, in fact, exactly the same as the back half. A landmark achievement in economy of design. You could genuinely swap the front headlights with those at the rear and no-one would know the difference.
Based on the Austin Farina but re-styled “by the pen of Michelotti”, that claim could well be true… except it’s highly unlikely Michelotti himself was actually holding his pen at the time. “From the pen of Michelotti as borrowed by the janitor while the maestro was enjoying a late afternoon pick-me-up espresso” is a more of accurate descriptor.
Performance wasn’t exactly the Apache’s strong point – that despite a 1300cc engine taken from the Mini Clubman GT. It went from in 18.8 seconds (humans accelerate faster than that) and it topped out at 141km/h.
It’s biggest problem though was that it was made by British Leyland. And not just British Leyland, but British Leyland of the 1970s… which meant it had the build quality of Cornish pastie. The road handling too.
Obviously it now has an appreciation society. But, as we all know, that’s a therapy group in disguise helping its members soothe the pain and embarrassment of owning such a total lemon
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