Are You Jacques Kallis In Disguise?

On test… BMW X3 xDrive35i

The new BMW X3… it’s the Jacques Kallis of cars. Seriously. Just look at the facts.

1. They’ve both had a recent make-over. You’ve probably noticed that our Jacques has got a new look going with that wonderful thatch of hair that’s suddenly sprouted from his head. Yes, clever men wearing white lab coats spent many hours sculpting that new bonnet. Same with the X3. Earlier this year the Bavarian company unveiled their next generation mid-size SUV – it’s also the product of men in white coats who spent almost as much time sculpting its bonnet.

2. They’ve both gotten a little bigger. If you look back at those photies of a young Jacquie, you’ll notice he was somewhat slimmer when he first started his international career. He’s grown over the years – no doubt thanks to many, many hours in the gym – and Jacquie now fills out his whites a lot more than when he walked out to bat for his first Test in Durbs nearly 16 years ago.

And the X3 also has a bigger boot. In fact it compared to the first generation X3 launched back in 2004, this new SUV is bigger in every way. It’s 83mmm longer, 28mm wider and 12mm higher, which puts it precisely and purposefully between the BMW X5 and the X1 unveiled last year. Beemer’s new mid-size SUV looks all the better for it though. Gone is the slightly-too-tall awkwardness of the previous generation, replaced by the sharp creases and altogether more aggressive styling borrowed from its bigger brother.

3 They’re both the best allrounders around. Say what you like, Jacques remains the best all round cricketer in the world. Fact: he tops the ICC’s rankings for Test allrounders by a long way. If you were looking for one player to do bat, bowl and field for your team, then he’s your go-to-guy.

Similarly, if you’re looking for a car that will take you and you family any where, safely, comfortably and, if you choose, quickly, then the X3 similarly earns the go-to-moniker. Interior space and general ergonomics are several notches above it’s predecessor affording you a generous 550-litre boot that’ll fold out to 1 600-litres with the seats down.

Powered by BMW’s award-winning 225kW, 3.0-litre turbo engine, the X3 can also be a bliksem fast car with a chassis to handle both its engine output and SUV-size weight. The xDrive four-wheel drive system, coupled to a Dynamic Damper Control with either Normal, Sport or Sport+ modes, means you can keep it nice n’ comfy, or stiff enough for some automotive fun. The levels of grip and lack of body roll in this Sport+ mode are amazing

Maybe if Jacques had driven this instead of the that fancy Audi R8 sportscar of his, he wouldn’t have driven into that wall. Just saying.

Hang on. BMW xDrive35i… Jacques Kallis, 35 years old. Sheez, I rest my case.

The BMW xDrive35i starts at R614 182

(as appeared in the July issue of the Kulula in-flight mag)

The Car With The Dragon Tattoo

On test… Volvo V60

You get two kinds of Swedes. One is a play-it-safe, minimalist-furniture-designing chap who’s really good a tennis. And the other is a death metal-loving Beserker who’d like nothing better than to stick a horned helmet on his head and invade Europe.

Up until now, it’s been the former who’ve been employed by Volvo to design their cars. Quietly-spoken men in frameless titanium spectacles called Björn and Øläv have not only been responsible for some of the finest songs in Eurovison history, but also some of the safest cars ever made.

Things have changed though. The Beserker blokes have boldly sailed into Göteborg and claimed the Volvo HQ as their own. Men with long, straight blond hair and suspiciously supernatural hammers are clearly running the show. We began to suspect as much last year when the crackerjack R-Design hatchback emerged from the halls of Valhalla, and if the new Volvo V60 doesn’t confirm this Scandinavian revolt, you can call me Leif “Spring” Süspensiøn.

Gone is the big boxy stationwagon of yore that required nought but a coat of black paint and maroon velvet window curtains to become a hearse. In its place is a shark-nosed bad-ass with a sloping rear roof line that blurs the line between estate and hatch. Ja, maybe this “sports estate” lacks the boot space of a true stationwagon, but is 430 litres behind the rear seats will still swallow plenty crates of Absolut, even if you now have to tie the reindeer carcass to roof racks.

There are also a bunch of engines to suit the svelte new shape. Top dog is the 3.0-litre turbo T6 (224kW/440Nm) with its all-wheel drive, but there are some nice torquey diesels and, if you’re not too bothered by a need for Thor’s hammer, the 1.6-litre turbo of the T3 (110kW) and T4 (132kW), that’ll do just nicely.

Clearly the Swedes recognise a nation of enthusiastic drivers when they see one and the V60 is only available in SA with Volvo’s “Dynamic Chassis”. It still feels like a Volvo on the road – comfortable and unthreatening – but there’s now more of an edge to its handling. One word of advice – get the auto Geartronic or twin-clutch auto Powersfit gearbox. The 6-speed manual is way too wobbly and often results in the enormously irritating “am I in 1^st or am I in 3^rd”.

And yes, yes it has all the safety features one could imagine… and a few you couldn’t. It is after, all a Volvo.

The V60 starts from R320 800 (Incl CO2 Tax and 14% VAT)

(as appeared in the July issue of the Kulula in-flight mag)

Han Solo Mio

On test… Alfa Romeo Giulietta Distinctive 1.4 Turbo MultiAir

Star Wars. It’s the perfect reference manual for life’s big decisions. Seriously. There’s no better place to seek advice than within that first great trilogy. Estranged father-son relationship? Stars Wars has the answer. Weird desire to rule the galaxy? Once again, Star Wars. Not sure what hot hatch to buy? Yup, it even helps with that.

Take the new Alfa Giulietta for example. Built on Alfa’s new Compact platform, its McPherson strut front suspension setup, multi-link rear design, and fancy Q2 electronic diff provide driving dynamics that rank right up there with the class -leading VW Golf. And like the Millennium Falcon could match the Empire’s battle cruisers light-year for light-year, so can the Giulietta match the German.

I tested the mid-range 125 kW, MultAir 1.4 turbo version with stop/start technology – an engine that provides impressive power and an even more impressive ability to pull from as low as 2000rpm. Plus, like the Millennium Falcon, it also has a hyperspace button. Yes, just like that little go-faster switch on Han Solo’s exotic space cruiser, the Giulietta too has a little rocker switch called the “DNA” selector that allows you to toggle between all-weather, normal and warp speed characteristics.

Where the Italian does unquestionably upstage the Golf though, is in the looks department. Whereas the Golf battle-cruiser is an exercise in form-meets-funktion design that keeps things neat, tidy and purposefully simple, the Falcon Giulietta is all about flair, quirkiness and surprising little details. The Alfa’s skull-nosed, squinty eyed font end might be a matter of taste, but the three-quarter rear view undoubtedly sets the benchmark for hatch design aesthetics.

Step inside the cockpit and there’s no doubt who vaporises who though. The Alfa’s interior is simply brilliant. Forgoing the retro touches of its smaller Mito sibling, the Giulietta is both elegant and contemporary. The Golf’s is really good… but this is a thing of beauty.

Choosing between these natural rivals inevitably boils down to a matter of personal preference. The Alfa is Han solo and his Millennium Falcon. Fast, flashy, debonair, though somewhat emotional and historically temperamental. The Golf is the Imperial cruiser and faceless commander – solid, utterly reliable and able to hit warp speed at will. On the down side, though, Golfs are everywhere, clogging up the space lanes from PE to Tatooine. And, as I recall, Han Solo and his ship out ran the imperial fleet on more than one occasion.

The Giulietta 14.TBi Distinctive costs R279 900. Stats (claimed): 0-100 in 7.8 sec, top speed

(as appeared in the April issue of the Kulula in-flight mag)

Because it’s what's on the inside that counts

On test… Audi A8 4.2 quattro

The Car Of The Year panel? Whatever. The kids in our school lift club… now there’s a bunch of discerning car critics. And, boy, did they love the A8. The three of them might only be in grade 3, and ja, their feet still stick out horizontally when sitting on the back seat, but a more astute bunch of passengers you won’t find.

And with a car like the Audi A8 it’s all about the passengers. Look I could bang on about how impressive the A8’s handling is for such a sizey automobile – and at 5.13m long, sizey it most certainly is – or harp on about Audi’s Space Frame technology and its use of aluminium which makes it 110kg lighter than it’s rivals. But that’s all kind of pointless. No-one’s buying this car for its handling. And the crew on the back seat sure has hell weren’t taking notice of the air suspension, the quattro allwheel drive system, the 8-speed tiptronic ‘box, the 273kW 4.2-litre FSI petrol V8, or indeed any of the fancy electronic wizadry that make driving this car an exercise in effortless power and control. No boet.

What impressed them was the inside. And it’s the inside where Audi trumps its fellow Teutonic luxobarge rivals – the 7-Series BMW and the S-Class Merc. Nobody is able to combine fine leather, wood, chrome, and aluminium in quite the same way as Audi. It’s sophisticated, contemporary design that’s understated and ja… just a very nice place from which one can wave to the hoi polloi outside. Especially if the hoi polloi happen to be your school mates at the stop ‘n drop. The three in the back emerged from the black A8’s rear door like they were facing banks of flashing paparazzi.

Forget the outside of the A8 – it’s another cookie cutter example of Ingolstadt’s rather weird strategy of making all its sedans look pretty much exactly the same. Like the A4 and A6, the A8 is handsome and reserved rather than anything shoutingly innovative. But inside… from the B&O sound system, the night vision assistant, to the MMI interface that includes a small touchpad next to the gear lever with handwriting recognition (helps if you’re lefthanded), Audi’s flaghip sedan is unrivalled.

As is its ability to up one’s playground cred.

The Audi A8 4.3 quttro will cost you... wince...R1 105 905. Why the R5?

(as appeared in the April issue of the Kulula in-flight mag)

The Cup Runneth Over The Rest

On test… Renault Megane RS Cup

The French are mad. Everyone knows that. They all play the accordion, shout “Richelieu” whenever the mood takes, and hold a race called The Dakar in Argentina. Now, added to all this insanity, is a new car. It’s called the Renault Megane RS Cup. And it’s as bonkers as all hell.

It’s also the best sports hatch currently available in SA. Yes, yes, Ford Focus RS fans might be raising their hands at this point, but put them down mon ami. Besides costing R100k more than the Frenchie, you can’t actually buy a Focus RS any way, can you? The small number brought into SA were all immediately sold. And that leaves the RS Cup at the top of the pile. And here’s why…

It’s hand-built. RS stands for “RenaultSport” and that means it’s a low-volume car assembled at Renaultsport’s Dieppe facility in ma belle France. Sure, for much of the last decade, any car with a “Made in France” sticker made SA motorists snigger and point, but these days the quality and service have improved a lot, and the Dieppe cars are genuinely special

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It has a coupé/hatch vibe. Like VW’s gorgeous Scirocco, this Megane is a low-slung coupé full of flowing, intersecting curves and muscley bulges. Blacked out body parts accent the menace along with 19" alloys, flared wheel arches, and bright red Brembo brake calipers. Like the German, it definitely blurs coupe/hatch line.

It’s flippin’ quick. Lift the hood and you’ll see a two-litre, four-cylinder turbo that’s good for rubber-melting 184kW and 340Nm. Drop your foot and you’ll you do 0-100km/h in 6.1 secs and, if your boules are big enough, hit 250km/h. The big question with powerful front-wheel drive cars, obviously, is how it’ll translate all that power without being twitchier than a frog in Parisian bistro. The RS manages it very successfully and it does so with a relatively simple mechanical limited-slip diff. I don’t know how it manages it, but, believe me, it does.

It’s the Cup version Which means it’s like the normal Megane RS Sport, but turned up to 11. The Cup might share the same engine as the standard RS, but the engineers have firmed up and dropped the suspension, added those competition-spec Brembo brakes, stepped up from 18” to 19” rubber, and added lightweight Recaro racing seats. If the car has any faults it’s a six-speed gearbox that’s ok, but not as razor-sharp as the rest of the car, and a teency bit of inevitable low-rev turbo lag. But these minor flaws are far outweighed by a very fast but hugely drivable motor car. It mighty lack the savage intensity of the Focus RS, but it goes just as quickly. More a cognac and coke than brandy and cola.

The Renault RS Cup goes for R399 900 and the standard Megane RS sport for R354 900.

(as appeared in the March issue of the Kulula in-flight mag)

You Want. iWant

On test… MINI Countryman

There’s no reason to buy this car. Seriously. Just like there’s no reason to buy an iPad

Take, however, the iPhone – now there’s something you really should have. It’s a small, sleek object of beauty that connects you to the world, takes photies, plays music, games and, thanks to all those downloadable apps, also does a whole bunch of other funky stuff. It’s an iconic piece of design against which all else is measured. Then there’s the iPad. It’s like an iPhone. But bigger. Ja, it does do some other extra stuff, but sheez, it’s quite a bit more expensive. And actually it doesn’t look as nice as the iPhone

Take too the standard MINI. Also small and nippy as all hell, it connects you to the road surface like few other cars. And in the bang-for-your-buck sports car stakes, the Cooper S is about as much fun as you can have in a car without switching on the demister. The Countryman, on the other hand is a little bigger, does a few extra things and is similarly quite a bit more expensive. It’s also sort of weird looking, isn’t it? Sort of strangely bulgy… like it’s got muscles where a MINI shouldn’t have muscles.

Right, so you really shouldn’t get one… but….

You want one don’t you. And you want an iPad too. Ja, I know, so do I. It’s just so flippin’ cool. Both the Countryman and the iPad have coolness by the iLoad.

I could tell you that the Countryman lacks power, but it won’t make a difference. I could, for example, explain that because they share the same engines as their smaller siblings, but carry more heft, the performance is nowhere near as sparkling regular MINIs – especially up on the Reef where the 1.6-litre Cooper Countryman is particularly sluggish.

I could also mention that at R415k, the base price Countryman 4x4 is in BMW X1 2.0d territory, and that Beemer is one very impressive car, crucially offering more useable power – 350Nm of versus the Countryman’s 260Nm.

But the truth is, saying all that would be as effective as trying to plug WikiLeaks.

Like Apple, the MINI brand has a certain cache that resonates with homo urbanus. When you see someone driving past you in their MINI Countryman, a well of envy involuntarily springs forth from your person. You will just know that the driver in that car is wearing jeans just the right kind of skinny, and that those sunglasses shielding their smiling eyes are what everyone else will be wearing next summer. You want to be that person, you want their life, their Countryman… and their iPad. Me too.

Prices range from R290 236 for the front wheel-drive Cooper, to R415 000 for the ALL4 Cooper S

(as appeared in the Kulula in-flight magazine)

Attention Early Adopters

On test… Honda CR-Z hybrid

Funny how quickly things change. Remember how a couple of years ago we were all pointing at Toyota Prius owners and laughing? Well now all of a sudden every car brand worth its pistons is talking about adding some kind of eco-friendly-mobile to its line-up. The latest of this new wave to hit SA shores are two new hybrids from Honda – the Prius-challenging Insight… and the "World’s First Hybrid Sports Car”, the CR-Z.

Ok, first things first, let’s set those inverted commas straight shall we. The CR-Z is not actually a sports car. It’s neither very light or fast, and nor does it display razor-sharp handling characteristics. Excellent, that’s settled then. Now we can get down to talking about what’s actually a cool little vehicle. And it’s the cool factor that really sells the CR-Z.

It certainly looks cool – the little Honda’s silhouette is a clear homage to the quirky CR-X imported here in limited numbers during the late 80s. Just like the cult status enjoyed by the X, the Z will should also appeal to young urban hipsters looking for a car to match their impeccable sense of fashion. It’s expertly tailored too. Honda’s Integrated Motor Assist technology means you have a small electric motor sitting snugly between the 1.5-litre VTEC petrol engine and the gearbox. Think of it as a kind of supercharger capable of adding an extra 10kW of power and 70Nm of torque at low revs. It’s very clever actually. Honda’s VTEC engines really come into their own at high revs, but now they also have some low-down grunt from 1500rpm. That of course all comes with a combined-cycle fuel consumption figure of a frugal 5.0 litres/100 km, and a CO2 emissions rating of at 117 g/km – below the new 120g/km emissions tax threshold.

Driving the CR-Z does take some getting used to. Firstly there’s the kind of annoying stop-start tech that switches the engine off when you stop, for example, at a robot. And then there are the three driving modes – which are not annoying at all. In fact they’re a lot of fun. Econ mode sees the dashboard change to a green hue and award you little neon trees should you drive economically. It also keeps telling you to change up a gear when it seems like the revs are way to low. You driving instincts shout “stall imminent!”, but thanks to the electric motor’s extra oomph, that never happens.

Normal mode is, well, normal, so not much to write home about there, but in Sport mode and accompanying racy red dashboard hue, you can actually give it a bit of welly. Look, 93kW is never going to be face-meltingly exciting and the handling is supple rather than sportscar-like, but you can still nip in and out of the traffic with an accompanying whoop. If you can deal with the eco-guilt, that is…

(as appeared in the Kulula in-flight magazine)