Phil Iscariot

On test... VW Amarok Double Cab 2.0 BiTDi Highline 4Motion

I’m handing the reigns to my friend Phil for this one. And I’ll tell you why…

I don’t actually know much about bakkies. But. I do know this: you can divide the real bakkie experts into two distinct camps:

1. The Disciples of Hilux; and

2. The Other Lot who are misguided enough to believe there is something better than a Toyota Hilux.

Phil is one of The Disciples. Which is why asking Phil to drive the new VW Amarok was something akin to heresy. He had little choice though. Phil and I were off to do the World Single Speed Championships for mountain bikes held in Winterton – a lovely little town on the Free state/KZN border, and a long way from home in Cape Town. I certainly wasn’t going to do all the driving.

The Amarok resting on my tough-as-nails Cotic Simple rigid fork, single speed http://cotic.co.za/

“Well,” snorted Phil as we stowed our bikes and camping equipment in the load bay, “Isn’t this ironic. We’re doing a race for hardcore, stripped-down mountain bikes with no gears and no suspension… and we’re driving there in this blinged-up, luxury barge that thinks it’s a bakkie. Besides, no 2.0-litre engine – even if it’s a fancy bi-turbo diesel – is going to give the kind of lowdown power a good, solid 3.0-litre oil-burner can.”

(We’ll fastfwd quickly – there’s not much space on the page and we need to get to the useful stuff)

Drivedrivedrive… stopoverinLadybrand… drivedrivedrive… arriveinWinterton… dotherace… drinkbeerpartydrinkbeer... sleep… drivedrivedrive… stopoverinGraafReinet… drivedrivedrive. Home… unpackcar.

“You know,” said Phil, patting the front wheel arch and squinting thoughtfully into the late afternoon sun, “This is not a bad car at all. Not bladdy bad. And it’s only a 2.0-litre you say?”

That’s all Phil said, but I’ve known him since Standard Six and the subtext was substantial. Beneath that small compliment, a struggle between loyalty and betrayal played itself out. He might never admit it but I know – and he knows I know he knows – Phil is thinking of swapping camps.

The Amarok simply never missed a beat in those six days. The spacious, comfy leather interior, and the quite extra-ordinary absence of any wind or tyre noise – even on dirt roads – made the 3000+km round trip a pleasure. It drives more like a luxury car than a bakkie. And with the speed control pegged at 120km/h in sixth gear and the revs sitting below 2000rpm, the fuel economy was particularly an impressive at 10.4 litres per 100km.

Yes, it’s been said that the Amarok might not be at its best on serious off-road terrain under heavy load, but if, like Phil, you are actually using your bakkie as more of a lifestyle vehicle than a workhorse, you can’t do better than this Volkswagen. Besides, Sarel van der Merwe owns one. And if it’s good enough for Sarel, it’s good enough for me. And Phil.

The Amarok Double Cab 20 BiTDi Highline 4Motion starts at R435 500

(as published in the Khuluma - Kulula's in-flight mag)

That's me at the Single Speed World Champs trying out an ultra pricey hand-made titanium 29er made by US firm Black Sheep. A rare steed indeed... http://www.blacksheepbikes.com/

Who Blew Up My Cake?

On test... Lexus GS450h F-sport

[As appeared in the November issue of Khuluma, the Kulula in-light magazine.]

Adopt the brace position. Things are about to explode.

Obviously even printing those words in an in-flight magazine can get you arrested by the undercover air marshall sitting you and I sincerely hope you don’t mouth them when you read. Things are going to go up in a fireball though… these two myths, to be precise.

1. Lexus’s are boring. It’s pretty accurate to say that while Lexus’s (Lexi?) might enjoy a stellar reputation as perhaps the world’s most reliable automobile brand with levels of service that make even the Germans weep into their weissbier, Lexus’s have had as much effect on the excite-o-metre as a pair of pleated chinos.

Yes, the two halo models – the Lexus IS-F sedan and ultra-exclusive LFA supercar – will raise their hands at this point, but those rare exceptions aside, the rest of the range would be the best described by the word ”safe”. Like said pleated chino, a Lexus would fulfill every duty expected of a car – or pant – with aplomb… but do it in a way devoid of any actual drama or exhilaration.

2. Hybrid’s are slow. No surprises here. Of the ever-increasing amount of hybrid automobiles available over the last five years, not one of them could be described as “quick”. Or even “nippy”. And that’s fine. Hybrids are, after all, designed to save fuel, save you money and save the planet. Your basic win-win-win deal. Which means having a hybrid that both blew your hair back and won-won-won would surely be like having your cake and eating it, right?

Well, put on the kettle and grab a small fork. It’s cake time.

The GS450h F-sport is the hybrid version of Lexus’ new sedan and it is a properly quick motorcar. Thanks to 225kw of lightly Tazer’d ponies from a 3.5-litre V6 assisted by two high-output electric motors, it actually feels like that decidedly un-eco-friendly powerplant, the beefy V8.Enjoying the cake?

And not just quick either, its handling is sharp as a pin and nimble as hell. Courtesy of some oriental black magic, you can select Sport+ mode, which firms up the suspension and steering responses, and hustles all 345Nm of tarmac-eating torque around corners like a race car.

It’s certainly not boring to drive and, unlike its predecessor, this new Lexus GS is certainly not boring to look at. The styling is razor sharp as its handling, with an aggressive, squinty front-end that looks to have a few Germans in its sights.

There you have it… the Lexus GS450h F-Sport… it’s like an exploding cake. Something of a mixed metaphor, yes, but strangely accurate.

The Lexus GS450h F-Sport costs R770 700

Top Five Automotive Failures … and the lessons learned

You’d think the motor industry, with all its money and experience, would only offer automobiles that had been thought through from every angle. Turns out… not.

Ford Pinto (1971–1980)

Lesson: Don’t design a car that explodes

In order to cut costs on their new fuel crises-beating cheapie, the lads at Ford decided to put the fuel tank behind the rear bumper. As a result, even a low-speed rear impact would cause bolts protruding from both the bumper and diff to puncture the fuel tank… and whumpff. Oh. And the doors had an annoying tendency to jam. Cue multi-million dollar payouts. Conservative estimates put Pinto fireball deaths at 500.

Yugo GV (1984–1991)

Lesson: Don’t build cars if you’re Yugoslavian

The Yanks have a high tolerance for terrible cars. But not even they could put up with the Yugoslavian-built Yugo. It seemed like a good deal when launched in the US back in ’84 – low price and a 10 year/250 000km warranty – but it’s build quality was terminally bad… not that much of a surprise when “carpets” were listed as a special feature. Interestingly, production ended when the Yugo’s Zastava factory was bombed by NATO in ’91. America is part of NATO isn’t it? Just saying.

Chrysler/Desoto Airflow (1934)

Lesson: “Ahead of its time” is not a good thing

Make no mistake, this was a good car. A great one, even. Boasting a light-weight, steel-spaceframe construction and near 50-50 front-rear weight distribution, it should’ve been celebrated. But no. Unfortunately its ground-breaking, streamlined body looked a little too utilitarian for American tastes… “Hell! *spit* Looks it’s been designed by one of them damn Bolsheviks.” No-one bought it.

Dodge Custom Royal (1955)

Lesson: Vinyl seats work in car. Vinyl records don’t.

You can see what they were thinking. After all, everyone listens to their iPods in the car these days. Unfortunately playing the musical tech of the time – records – in an automobile proved a little more problematic. Potholes and turntable needles do not make for good bedfellows. Chrysler even developed custom-made LPs that were the size of a 45rpm single, but played at 16 2/3 rpm. It was an expensive flop.

Crosley Hotshot (1949)

Lesson: Don’t call your car a “Hotshot” unless it actually is.

It might work these days with a sophisticated motorbike engine, but no post-war car weighing 500kg and boasting a 750cc engine was going to produce anything resembling “hot” in the performance stakes. What was hot however, was its dual-overhead cam engine brazed together by pieces of, not iron, but tin. When the welds let go – which they frequently did – things did indeed quickly get very “hot”. 

As appeared in the Oct 2012 issue of the Kulula in-flight magazine

The Morris Dancers of China

On test... MG6 1.8T Luxury

The Opium Wars... not Britain’s proudest moment. In a nutshell: during the mid-1800s, the Brits were making a fortune flogging opium to the Chinese. When the Chinese emperor objected to both the amount of coin leaving his land and a growing number of addicted subjects, Her Majesty dispatched an expeditionary force to remind this impudent regent of his place. Which they summarily did. Not only did the British navy once again open up the opium trade, but they claimed Hong Kong for Queen and country too.

It’s not surprising then, that revenge figured prominently in Chinese thinking. What is surprising though, is the manner in which they took it. Instead of send their hordes to invade that small, damp island in the North sea… they bought the MG brand.

It was a cunning move. What better way to teach those foreign devils a lesson than reach out halfway across the world and pluck out the very heart of British heritage. Until then, Morris Garages had been one of Britain’s most venerable automotive brands. For the best part of 80 years, MG had produced cute little convertibles that smelled gloriously of leather, wood and hot oil. Unfortunately, and most inconveniently, though in 2005 the MG Rover Group went bang.

Sensing its opportunity had finally come, China, in the guise of Nanjing Automobile, snapped up the rights to the MG badge and went about serving that dish best served cold. Which brings us to the MG6…

Thing is, the MG 6 is not a bad car. Sure, the styling might be a something between a new Hyundai and previous gen. Renault, but both the fastback and the sedan are nonetheless handsome automobiles. Performance is reasonable too, although one would expect a little more go from its 118kW 1.8-litre turbo (the car’s two ton heft is a bit of an issue). And while it’s not totally at ease changing direction in sharp cornering, the handling is assured and planted through fast, sweeping corners.

It offers decent value for money too – at R239 000, the MG6 fastback Luxury we tested is in the same price bracket as a top-spec Hyundai Elantra, a mid-spec Toyota Corolla or a low-spec Ford Focus and VW Jetta. Up against these, the MG offers both a bigger engine and considerably more space. You could fit an old MG Midget in its cavernous boot.

So it’s not bad…And that’s the nature of the Chinese revenge.

The MG is simply “not bad”. Unlike its ancestors, this car is not quirky, interesting or even charmingly awful… which many old MGs were. This is simply “not bad”. They’ve given back the British an adequate, but bland version of a brand they had once loved.

It has the right badge, but it’s not all there. Like it’s been smoking opium…

Prices for the MG6 Fastback and Sedan range from R229 900 to R269 900

**as appeared in the Oct 2012 issue of the Kulula in-flight mag

Top Five Early Flying Cars

These would be the ancestors of the new Terrafugia Transition flying car that’s grabbing headlines around the world.

1917 Curtiss Autoplane.

Fourteen years after the Wright brothers managed their historic flight, fellow American aircraft pioneer Glen Curtiss came up with the first-ever car that could fly. Sort of. With its wings removed, this aluminum-bodied hybrid could do 70km/h on the road, but unfortunately actual flight was a problem… a few short hops was all it could manage.

1937 Waterman Aerobile

This one actually flew. The high-wing monoplane on three wheels was powered by a 100bhp Studebaker engine could haul itself off the ground and buzz around thanks to a propeller attached to the rear of the vehicle. Understandably, there weren’t too many people willing to risk their lives in this contraption and a distinct lack of customers killed it off.

1946 Fulton Airphibian

Robert Fulton started from the other end. Instead of a car the flies, he designed an airplane that also drove. Apparently, once you’d landed, it only took five minutes to unscrew the prop and undo the tail before driving off at 80km/h. Significantly, this was the first-ever flying car to be certified by the USA’s Federal Aviation Authority.

1949 Taylor Aerocar

Flying cars enjoyed something of a golden age during the optimistic post-war years, but none enjoyed any commercial success. Except this one built by Moulton Taylor. After getting its FAA certification in 1956, Moulton built and sold six of these flying planes, with one still in the regularly flying as late as 2006. A man in Minneapolis, USA, is currently selling his 1954 Aerocar for R10.2-million if you’re interested.

1973 AVE Mizar

After a decade in the doldrums, the idea of a flying car again entered public consciousness with this effort. A true hybrid, mating the rear section of a Cessna Skymaster to a Ford Pinto, the Mizar (named after a star) showed some promise. Tragically, the prototype’s build quality wasn’t quite up to aviation standards and a failed wing strut caused a fiery crash that killed its creator Henry Smolinski.

As appeared in the Sept 2012 issue of the Kulula inflight mag.

Steve Davis, is that you?

On test... Honda Civic Hatch  1.8i-VTEC Elegance

Steve Davis. You may have heard of him. But probably not. The man from London is one of the all-time snooker greats. He’s won six world championships, was the world’s no. 1 for seven years, and has won 28 pro titles in a career that, at age 54, still continues. Stellar achievements by any standards.

So why haven’t you heard of him? Sure, snooker isn’t that big here in SA, but still, those achievements should have made him noteworthy enough to blip your radar, right? The problem with Steve… was Steve. He’s not what you’d call a compelling character. The words “flamboyant”, “exciting” and “charismatic” have, to date, never been used in the same sentence as “Steve Davis”. In fact, so dour is Steve’s demeanour that he’s actually known by the ironic nickname of “Interesting”… Steve “Interesting” Davis.

Which brings us to the Honda Civic. It has a similar reputation. The hatchback, with its futuristic styling, has tried hard to shuck the “sensible shoes of cars” reputation its sedan sibling has garnered. Somewhat unsuccessfully it must be said. You see, the hatch is like Steve Davis with a floral shirt and extra hair product.. he looks funkier, but you still know that underneath it all, it’s still Steve.

 And that’s a good thing. Because that means the Civic is a car you want to own. No really. It’s an automobile without any discernible weakness. It will sink the black ball every time. It’s the epitome of Get The Job Done. Let’s pot a few balls and tick a few boxes shall we…

Build quality. Hey. It’s a Honda and that means its bullet proof.

Engine. We tested the 1.8-litre petrol car (also available as a 2.2-litre diesel). It’s an upgraded four-cylinder i-VTEC engine good for 104 kW of power at 6500 rpm and 174 Nm of torque at 4300 rpm. Not the most powerful engine. But powerful enough.

Tech, It features Honda’s ECO Assist illuminated dashboard system to tell you how fuel efficient your driving is. It glows green for good, bad blue for bad. There’s also a green dash-mounted Econ switch which, when pushed, will activate the best throttle response and air-conditioning settings to save fuel.

Interior. It has the previous gen’s fighter pilot cockpit feel, but looks a step up in quality with soft-touch materials and leather in the exec model. It’s also learned a trick from its Jazz stablemate… a “magic seat” rear set up that offers near miraculous cargo space when configured.

Handling. We’ve saved the best for last … the new Civic manages a remarkable feat. Through the corners it manages to be both lithe and supple, without any discernible body roll. It’s sure-footed and precise sans the usual bone-shuddering suspension stiffness this requires.

It’s an Impressive car this. Exciting? No, but if you’re looking for a go-to vehicle that’s ultra-reliable, efficient, and immaculately screwed together, this is the one. It’s a bit like Steve Davis’ legendary perfect break back in 1982 – the first televised broadcast of someone consecutively potting every single ball (all 15 reds with 15 blacks, followed by all six colours) for a total of 147 points.It was helluva interesting to watch.

The Honda Civic Hatch range starts at R248 000

**review as appeared in the Sept issue of Khuluma, the Kulula in-flight magazine.

Top Five Six-Wheelers

Why have four-wheels when you can have six...

Pullman Six-wheeler ... 1906

The granddaddy of all the sixers, this experimental car also sported the most unusual layout. Pullman was a US maker of luxury cars between 1905 and 1917. They were moderately successful, though this car was a total disaster. And for obvious reasons too. Those evenly spaced axels meant it had the turning circle of a barge. The car crashed into pole within a year of its construction and was mercifully scrapped.

C6W ... 2004

Designed by Italian company, Corvini engineering, this rear-wheel drive prototype boasts some impressive bits – a 4.2-litre Audi V8 engine, a top speed of 295km/h, loads of carbonfibre and, of course, six wheels. Its rear-wheel drive with those front wheels designed to reduce drag and “increase air penetration”. The C6W was introduced at the 2004 Geneva Motor Show and has been “set for commercial production” ever since. Right.

Panther 6 ... 1976-77

This one actually made it into production. Yes. They made two. The Panther 6 however does deserve some credit… it was actually a pretty decent automobile. Its British manufacturers claimed it could crack the 200mph barrier (320km/h) and given its 600bhp twin-turbo 8.0-litre V8, that was entirely possible. Incidentally, the car also came with such futuristic gizmos as a phone and a TV. All as standard.

Citroën Cruise Crossser ... 2007

Swiss car designer Franco Sbarro thinks so far out the box that he and the box are pretty much in different postal codes. Which is why Citroen asked him to whip up a little something special based on their production C-Crosser SUV. What he came up with is a six-wheeled hybrid with a conventional diesel engine supplemented by an electric motor. Yes. Not Frankie’s finest hour.

Trekol 39294 ... 2012

Also known as the Amazing Floating Car, this Russian-made monster is, in fact, genuinely amazeballs. When they say it can go anywhere, they mean anywhere… even water. Thanks to its huge tubeless tyres and lightweight polystyrene-sandwiched-by-fibreglass body, this 6x6 is not only road legal, capable of withstanding temperatures from -60 to +60, but it has the ability to traverse water at a stately 10km/h.

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