And The Oscar Goes To….

Ralph Fie… I mean the BMW 650i !!

Ralph Fiennes. Now there’s a fine actor. And so versatile too. He’s one of those chameleon-like thespians who doesn’t merely act, he “becomes”. In fact he’s so good at becoming his character that you forget he’s actually acting in the movie. That evil Nazi camp commander in Schindler’s List? The determined husband in The Constant Gardener? Lord Voldemort himself? Oh yes, all our man Ralph.

Even his name is versatile. You could call him “Ralph” as in "Alf" – the nice chap he is, no doubt he’ll leave your faux pax unchallenged – but those familiar with the arcane enunciations of really posh English names know it’s pronounced “Rafe”.

The new BMW 650i, you’ll be pleased to know, is a lot like Ralph.

Like the English actor, the German automobile is equally capable of several different roles. Thanks to its Drive Dynamic Control and the very clever electronics this employs, you essentially own three different cars, all accessed via a couple of buttons on the centre consol. Toggling between Comfort, Sport, and Sport+ you have anything from corduroy-jacket wearing Quiz Show college professor Ralph, to pasty-skinned, ethereal-cloak-of-pure-evil-wearing Harry Potter Ralph at your beck and call.

In Comfort mode the Beemer will happily tootle around the ’burbs with softer suspension settings and appropriately chilled out throttle, steering, and gear change responses. In this persona, it’s a total bullevard cruiser, perfect for a slo-mo glide up to the nearest red carpet.

But flip it two notches up into Sport+…and the car shapeshifts into something entirely different. Now it’s a powerful and lithe athlete. The twin-turbo 4.4-litre V8 releases the full wrath of its 300kW, the suspension adopts a far more purposeful pose, and the gearbox swaps cogs with the kind of speed that requires an Einsteinian equation.

Make no mistake, this is a big, heavy car, but in Sport+ it behaves like anything but that. It’s nimble, responsive and flippin’… flippin’… fast. Scary fast. In fact the in-between Sport mode rather than Sport+ is probably the option most suitable for the kind day-to-day road driving that’ll still put a smile on your face without needing a change of underwear.

Like Ralph, this Bavarian’s versatility extends to its name too. It’s the BMW 650 to some… but to those in the know… it’s Beh Em Veh Sechs Fünfzig. Not so Ralph?

The BMW 650i sells for R1 149 773

(as published in the Kulula in-flight mag, Khuluma)

Extract from "SuperVan & I"

http://www.randomstruik.co.za/us3rd0cs/9781770221703-1331120498.pdf

Top 5 Really Slow Vehicles

Bugatti Veyron Super Sport? Koenigsegg Agera R? No siree bob... it's not the world’s fastest cars we celebrate today…but the slowest.

Slowest Early Car: 1769 Cugnot Steamer
“Car” is a debatable term, but whatever it was, Nicolas Cugnot’s experimental steam-powered cannon hauler was the world’s first self-propelled vehicle. Top speed – a mighty 6km/h. Being both slower and harder to operate than a horse-drawn vehicle, not to mention the fact that it was prone to exploding (also something not often associated with horses), the Cugnot Steamer never quite caught on..

Slowest Production Car Ever: 1950 VW Type 2
The very first Kombi – yes that hippy dream machine – might’ve been a groundbreaking piece of pragmatic automotive design, but it was wa-hayy too light in the trousers. A 24bhp engine trying to propel a one tonne car translated in to 0-100km/h time of 75 seconds. Smoke enough doob though and 75 seconds can pass by in the blink of any eye. Peace.

Slowest Porsche: 2010 Porsche GT3
Created by Austrian artist Hannes Langeder using little more than aluminium foil, sticky tape and bits of bicycle, this pedal-powered Porsche GT3 replica is, apparently, “an artistic comment questioning whether a sports car exists as a driving thrill or a symbol of wealth”. Heavy. Much like the answer to "Does a pencil exist to write on paper or absent-mindedly chew upon while thinking"... the answer is "Probably both Hannes. What's your point?"

Slowest Car You Can Buy In SA right now: Chery QQ3
Bakkies and mini-busses aside, the Slowest Car in SA title goes to the little 800cc Chery QQ3. Designed to look like a cartoon character, it manages an equally amusing 0-100km/h time of 20 seconds.

Slowest Moving Vehicle, Full stop: Space Shuttle Transporter
When fully loaded, this mighty wheeled wonder carried the now-defunct Shuttle from its hangar to the launch pad at 1km/h. With a fuel consumption of 296 litres of diesel per kilometre, it was probably the thirstiest vehicle in the world too. "Brake Jim, Braaaaake!!! Phew that was close. We nearly hit that guy."

As appeared in the December 2011 issue of the Kulula in-flight magazine

The Mayans Made Me Do It

Although initially skeptical, I'm beginning to worry those damn Mayans might be onto something...

Yesterday my day started out with a fairly snarky posting on my Facebook profile that said, and I quote (myself)...

Yes it is pretty funny, isn't it. I read it somewhere, I'm not sure where. But it got the requisite "hahahas" and "likes" one gets on one's Facebook page. Subsequent events, however, have led me to think those Mayans might not be as wrong as I'd mockingly alluded too.

You see, before the day was up, I was biting into a heart burn-guaranteeing, artery-lining, life-shortening cheese pie from the Spar. And usually it would be a cold day in hell - or another muggy day on the Yucatan - before I sink my teeth into a pastry of this vintage.

Somehow, the universe totally maneuvered me into eating this dodgy cheese pie. And I'm beginning to wonder if the Mayans weren't directing proceedings.

Here's the timeline...

1. There's no bread at home, so I can't make my usual sarmie
2. The Vida down below the Red Bull HQ is still closed, so I can't buy a reasonably tasty but hugely over-priced roll.
3. The sandwich guy who comes around the office is still on holiday (clearly the sandwich business is a lucrative one)

So I get in my car and drive down the road to the Spar. Usually I'd walk, but I've got flu and I'm feeling rather crap. And into the Spar I go. They have a deli that makes sarmies..

me: Can I please have a Tuna Mayo sandwich on wholewheat.

Spar lady: Yes.

me: Thank you

Spar lady: Sorry.. no... we only have white bread.

me: Allllright... that pie... it says "spinach & feta". It has actual spinach & feta inside?

Spar lady: Yes.

me: You're sure...?

Spar lady: Yes ***rolls eyes**

me: Okay, I'll have that.

I get back to the office and take a bite of what I think is a fairly healthy and maybe even tasty pie only to find it filled with runny yellow cheese and nothing else.

Mayans... I'm telling you. Heard it here first. Okay not first, but you know what I mean.

The Juke of Funksville

On test… Nissan Juke 1.6T Tekna

Any one heard of Bootsy Collins?. You know… Bootsy… the guy with the hair, the glittery clothes, platform boots and crazy sunglasses? This guy ....

He made his name as James Brown’s bassist before becoming universally recognised as the funkiest man ever to walk the planet. Bootsy has more unadulterated funkiness on one of his rhinestone-encrusted fingers of his than the rest of us put together.

The Juke reminds me a lot of Bootsy.

What you’re looking at here is without doubt the funkiest car on the road today. It’s not the coolest, it’s not the most sophisticated, nor is it the most sensible. What it is though, is a tyre-shod funkfest that will make your head bob up and down like the legend himself was slapping his bass in the back seat.

And I’m not just talking about the looks here. Yes, the slanty headlamps, the wildly flared wheel arches, the 370Z-like tail-lights, and the B-segment-hatch-meets-small-SUV-meets-Dakar-racer vibe does all give it a distinctive groove, but it’s the rhythm section under the bonnet that holds it all together. The 1.6-litre turbo engine is flippin’ brilliant.

SA buyers will have an option of two engines – a 86kW 1.6 and a 140kW turbo’d 1.6. This test car had the later and it’s a total eyebrow raiser. The little powerplant gives the Juke proper hot-hatch performance with a quoted 0-100 time of 8 seconds and surprisingly good handling to match. There’s touch of turbo lag, but the excellent short-throw 6-speed gearbox (5-speed in lesser models) allows you to remain hooked in. There are AWD models available overseas, but for the moment our Jukes are front-wheel drives and as the car will spend its life on the asphalt, that’s no prob.

Interior space was always going to be an ergonomic challenge in a car this size – that sloping coupe-like roof doesn’t exactly make things easy. But it’s not bad actually. Two adults can sit comfortably in the back (another will be a bit of a squeeze) and upfront it’s kind of snug… more like the car wraps around you than being cramped. The boot capacity is a modest 251 litres, but there’s also a nifty hidden compartment beneath it, and the 60/40-split rear seats also fold flat… should you need to transport, say, a bass guitar.

This car is a real niche-busting game changer and I reckon Nissan’s sales staff are going to be having more customers than stock. The car is that good.

And, yes, it will take you to Funkytown.

Prices start at R198 000 for the 1.6 Acenta, up to R253 000 for the 1.6T Tekna

As appeared in the December 2011 issue of the Kulula in-flight magazine

Top 5 ... most unusual car doors ever

Why put a normal set of practical and reliable car doors on your innovative sports car when it could grab all the attention with a pair of these. They don’t just open, they…

SCISSOR… Alfa Romeo Carabo The iconic Lamborghini Countach might have made these famous, but the 1968 Alfa concept car was actually the first to show doors that scissored upwards. Designed for the Bertone design studio by Marcello Gandini (he designed the Countach too), the Carabo’s name is derived from the “Carabidae” ground beetle. Don't you just love the showgirl. And her helmet.

FLAP… Mercedes SLS AMG In homage to the magnificent, 300SL “Gullwing” of the ‘50s, the latest Merc supercar also features a pair of doors that hinge upwards from the roof. V cool… unless of course your garage is narrow and low ceilinged.

BUTTERFLY… Alfa Romeo Stradale A bit like the Lambo’s doors except these so-called dihedral doors don’t just move up, but slightly outwards too. The Alfa – an extremely rare and beautiful road car based on T33 race car – was the first production car to feature them in 1967.

LIFT… Ferrari Modulo Why have doors when you can make the entire roof lift up? Paolo Martin of design studio Pininfarina was thinking waaaay out the box when he came up with this futuristic concept car for the 1970 Geneva Motor Show. Based on a Ferrari 512S chassis, the car won a number of international design awards. The Buck Rogers of Ferraris....

DISAPPEAR… BMW Z1 This was a bit of a surprise. By 1987 we’d thought we’d seen just about every door permutation possible…until those clever lads in Munich turned up at the Frankfurt Motorshow with a new roadster with doors that simply disappeared. Push a small button... and Wolfgang's your uncle... the small doors retracted into the car’s body. It went on sale in 1989.

Achtung!… it’s Kapt Jakob Spärrow

On test… VW Golf R & VW Scirocco R

With their two new R models, Veedub have swooped in on the current flotilla of high performance cars. Just like pirates… German ones. Everybody say Rrrrrrrrrrr!

They don’t make pirates like they used to. Once they had flowing locks, full beards and wore thigh-high leather boots into which were tucked small-but-vicious knives and some eyeliner. These days though they’re just skinny Somali blokes with an inflatable dinghy and a rocket launcher.

It’s just not the same.

Neither is the hatchback market now that these two Germans have come sailing in cannons blazing. It’s the classic guerilla pirate tactic… move in quickly from different directions, sow panic and confusion among the fleet, and then disappear over the horizon with the booty.

As a potential car buyer the main confusion is which one of the two R’s to buy. And as most thing things do, it all boils down to a matter of personal taste. The R’s have already plundered their shared 188kW 2.0 turbo engine from the Audi S3, but that’s where the similarity ends.

Golf Rrrrr!

The Golf R is the slightly safer option. Its 4Motion all-wheel drive train means it tracks through corners as if on rails. Acceleration times too are marginally quicker than the Scirocco’s and if you compared lap times, the Golf R would probably shade it’s sibling as well. As with many modern turbo’s the EA113 mill is wonderfully tractable – whether you’re using the 6-speed manual or optional DSG paddle-shift auto, there ‘s bags of lowdown grunt (350Nm of torque between 2 500 and 5 000 r/min). Both test cars also came with VW’s (rather pricey) Adaptive Chassis Control system that allows one to flip between “comfort”, “normal” and “ sport” suspension settings. But frankly, it’s hard to tell the difference between them, and even “comfort” is plenty stiff.

The Golf is of course a more practical vehicle with four doors and a bigger hatch, but that doesn’t detract from an air of menace the car exudes. A stance 10mm lower than the GTi’s, standard 19-inch alloys and darkened light clusters see to that. The effect is one of subtle menace.

Scirocco Rrrrr!
Then again there’s nothing subtle about the Scirocco R. The standard two-door, coupe-like Scirocco is low, wide and aggressive enough, but the R’s body kit with its bigger rear wing, sill extensions and new bumpers takes it up a notch or three. It sits on the same 19-inch alloys at the Golf, but it’s the way the Scirocco’s rubber handles the tarmac that really sets these two cars apart.

The Scirocco feels more engaging. It requires more of you as a driver. Unlike the all-wheel drive Golf, the Scirocco delivers its power through the front wheels only, which in turn requires more precise throttle control in the corners. Get on it too early and the car pushes toward the outside, but get it right – set the corner up with the wonderfully precise steering and unspool the wheel, feeding in the gas – and the Scirocco feels incredibly planted.

Both are brilliant sports hatchbacks and it must be mentioned that the Scirocco is a shade under R12k cheaper than the Golf. However, in the end it comes down to your sword of choice… the precise and deadly rapier, or the more swashbuckling sabre. Personally, I’m more the swashbuckling type.

The Golf R starts at R419 300 and the Scirocco R at R407 400

As appeared in the October 2011 issue of the Kulula in-flight magtazine