Steve's Boxing Progress Report No. 9: "Lightbulbs in the ring"

A cerebral lightbulb went off during sparring yesterday. One of the guys in Clever’s Army has a pretty damn good left jab. He also has a pretty damn good left hook… which often follows the jab. It’s a lefty double-up. Jab-hook. Bam-bam. Very quick. I’d been “catching” the jab with my right glove as one should, then bringing said right glove back to my head to protect against the hook. Sometimes I’m quick enough. Sometimes I’m not. It’s not so much sore, as it is bladdy annoying.

Clever takes me aside.

“When he throws the jab, don’t just block it, knock it away with your right. It’s not just a block or a deflection, but you actually hit it down with your glove and forearm. As you do this, counter with your own left jab. As his left arm is now down in front of him, there’s no way he can throw the left hook and you can throw you own counter without worrying about it.”

Jab-Hook Guy kindly throws a few slowish jabs that allow me to get the hang of it. I do. It works. Now I’m not just blocking his jab, I’m telling it it’s no longer welcome ‘round these parts.

Lightbulbs ping on like the end of an Eskom power-failure.

Steve's Boxing Progress Report No. 8: "There Will Be Blood"

A neck recovery bodering on the miraculous meant I sparred again on Saturday arvie. Clever is training 4 guys for Fight Night. "My soldiers" he calls us and we all spar together once a week. One of us bled for the first time on Saturday. Not me, which is always nice. A sharp left hook evaded both the big 16oz gloves we train with and the head guard to land flush on the one guy's nose. The punch wasn't thrown by me either in case you're thinking "nice one Steve"... I'm still manufacturing my left hook. Any way, it results in a bloody nose which Clever swiftly mops up. "Blood and sweat," says Clever without batting an eyelid. "If you want to box, you will always find those two in the ring."

We carry on sparring and the guy's nose continues to dribble a little blood. For the rest of the session you can smell the salty rust in the ring...

17 October

Steve's Boxing Progress Report No. 7: We can label this one "Sometimes You Just Can't Win"... or... "Feck, I'm Getting Old".
My lower back's been acting up lately. Once warmed up it's ok, but after training it gets stiff and sore. Each morning it takes about 15 minutes and at least two cups of tongue-curlingly strong coffee before I feel anything approaching limber. So yesterday morning I go off to Rob Beffa for some treatment. Rob's a chiropractor/physio/acupuncture person with very thick eyebrows and an amazing ability to put bones and muscles back where they should be. Some tweaks, pulls, cracks, and a few well-placed needles later and I can actually tie my shoelaces again. With this new found elasticity, at lunch time I go off to do a boxing class... and in the first 5 minutes pull a muscle in neck. I hold my head in my hands, not only in despair, but also because my neck muscles can no longer support it.
On the upside, I'm getting really good at that snotty-nose noise you're supposed to make every time you throw a punch.

14 October

Steve's Boxing Progress Report No.6: The Spar... more than a shop

I had my first full-on sparring session on Wednesday. I learned this: 1. Sparring for an hour is bladdy tiring. Even if it’s a “2 minutes, sparring, 4 minutes” rest vibe. 2. Big guys hit really, really hard. Little guys... not so much. I got hit really, really hard a few times by a big guy. 3. I had my first real doubts about this boxing thing. Maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I’m 45 in a couple months…20 years older than most of these guys. 4. It still hurts when you wake up the next morning. 5. At today’s session with Clever I was the sharpest I’ve ever been.

30 September

Steve's Boxing Progress Report No.5: My kingdom for a hook

Last night I sparred with my trainer Clever. Actual boxing sparring as opposed to the verbal type I'm far more used. I learned this... my left hook is terrible. Not so much a hook as a friendly tap on the shoulder. My jab, however, is pretty good. Fast and accurate. A lot like my typing. My aerobic fitness is very good... my punching stamina not so much. I have a helluva lot still to learn.

22 September

Steve's Boxing Progress Report No.4: Boxing Clever

I'm now the proud owner of my own boxing protective head gear. I think it works. My trainer - his name is Clever - gave it a thorough test, repeatedly hitting me on the head during sparring. I only needed two Panados afterwards.

20 August

The Constant Gardener

On test… Honda Jazz Hybrid

As much as the chaps over at Honda might hate it, I’m afraid their cars have something of a, shall we say, “mature” reputation. I’ll show you what I mean...

I say “Honda”.

And do you think: “Ah yes, blue/grey tyre smoke and bullet-train acceleration?” No. Exactly. You’re thinking blue/grey hair and strict adherence to the speed limit.

Yes indeed, Hondas are the sensible shoes of the automobile world. Sure, they’re a little pricey, but they’re very well put together. And like all quality goods, if treated well, a Honda will serve you well for the longest time. The odd Type R or S2000 convertible might get the youngsters going, but on the whole Hondas are the inevitable the car of choice for those of retirement age.

Which is why the new Jazz Hybrid is going to get these folks particularly excited. You see this new car allows to you to do a spot of gardening while you drive… and we all know how much senior citizens like a spot of gardening.

The Jazz Hybrid has a similar drive train as found in its Insight sibling, which is to say it’s powered by a 65 kW, 1.3 litre four-cylinder petrol engine with a supplemental electric motor adding another 10 kW in the mix, all governed by a CVT auto transmission. And this is where the gardening bit comes in. Striving for life on the car’s multi-hued dashboard display are five little tree-shaped lights. Drive with a restrained, sensible-shoe-ensconced right foot and, thanks to the clever piggy-back battery that gets re-charged every time you brake, the little trees will grow. Drive enthusiastically, however, and they slowly die.

It’s senior citizen heaven. And it’s a heaven that’s also had something of a make-over. The new Hybrid features the Jazz range’s mid-life face-lift with a revised front and rear bumpers that improve aerodynamics and a new grill for the Hybrid meant to convey its techy roots. Inside, there have been minor improvements to the Jazz’s somewhat miraculous interior space with its space-saver seats and huge 300-litre boot.

While the senior citizens will love this car, labeling it as only suitable for this niche would be selling the whole Jazz range woefully short. While it may well be perfect for those looking for sensible, hassle free, motoring, the Jazz is also the perfect car for the modern motorist. It’s small, economical, nippy (the CVT auto box is surprisingly good), and has the kind of interior space that borders on the miraculous. It may not be the sexiest small car out there, and certainly not the cheapest, but it is the best.

Which is why you could, if the mood took you, stand up, and in your best JFK voice declare… “Ich bin ein pensioner.”

The Hybrid Jazz Hybrid goes for R244 698 & comes with a 3-year 100,000km warranty and a 4-year 60 000km service plan

As published in the September issue of Kulula's in-flight mag, Khuluma

THE FIVER… because we love a list

Top five really weird Japanese car names

And they say the Japanese don’t have a sense of humour. What utter nonsense. How else would they come up with these car names like…

Mitsubishi MUM 500 Shall We Join Us?
Surely the only car ever given a sentence as a name. And not just a sentence, but a question too. More than that… a question one seldom hears outside a group therapy session for schizophrenics.

Daihatsu Naked
When it comes to covering all their bases, no-one does it better than those clever Nipponese marketers. They’ve even made a car specifically for the ultra-niche nudist market.

Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard
Sorry Mr Radcliff, no… contrary to what the name might suggest, this Isuzu has in fact no magical power what so ever. It’s really just an SUV version of an Isuzu bakkie.

Honda That's
A Honda that’s what? Small? From the Little Box School Of Automotive Design? Has a word missing in its name? Yes even that most urbane of Jap car brands can get weird.

The Yamaha Pantryboy Supreme
Universally acknowledged as perhaps the weirdest name in the history of automobiles, this compact van raises the rather uncomfortable question: what is… a pantryboy… exactly?

**can't find a pic for this one anywhere. the mystery lives on...

Are You Jacques Kallis In Disguise?

On test… BMW X3 xDrive35i

The new BMW X3… it’s the Jacques Kallis of cars. Seriously. Just look at the facts.

1. They’ve both had a recent make-over. You’ve probably noticed that our Jacques has got a new look going with that wonderful thatch of hair that’s suddenly sprouted from his head. Yes, clever men wearing white lab coats spent many hours sculpting that new bonnet. Same with the X3. Earlier this year the Bavarian company unveiled their next generation mid-size SUV – it’s also the product of men in white coats who spent almost as much time sculpting its bonnet.

2. They’ve both gotten a little bigger. If you look back at those photies of a young Jacquie, you’ll notice he was somewhat slimmer when he first started his international career. He’s grown over the years – no doubt thanks to many, many hours in the gym – and Jacquie now fills out his whites a lot more than when he walked out to bat for his first Test in Durbs nearly 16 years ago.

And the X3 also has a bigger boot. In fact it compared to the first generation X3 launched back in 2004, this new SUV is bigger in every way. It’s 83mmm longer, 28mm wider and 12mm higher, which puts it precisely and purposefully between the BMW X5 and the X1 unveiled last year. Beemer’s new mid-size SUV looks all the better for it though. Gone is the slightly-too-tall awkwardness of the previous generation, replaced by the sharp creases and altogether more aggressive styling borrowed from its bigger brother.

3 They’re both the best allrounders around. Say what you like, Jacques remains the best all round cricketer in the world. Fact: he tops the ICC’s rankings for Test allrounders by a long way. If you were looking for one player to do bat, bowl and field for your team, then he’s your go-to-guy.

Similarly, if you’re looking for a car that will take you and you family any where, safely, comfortably and, if you choose, quickly, then the X3 similarly earns the go-to-moniker. Interior space and general ergonomics are several notches above it’s predecessor affording you a generous 550-litre boot that’ll fold out to 1 600-litres with the seats down.

Powered by BMW’s award-winning 225kW, 3.0-litre turbo engine, the X3 can also be a bliksem fast car with a chassis to handle both its engine output and SUV-size weight. The xDrive four-wheel drive system, coupled to a Dynamic Damper Control with either Normal, Sport or Sport+ modes, means you can keep it nice n’ comfy, or stiff enough for some automotive fun. The levels of grip and lack of body roll in this Sport+ mode are amazing

Maybe if Jacques had driven this instead of the that fancy Audi R8 sportscar of his, he wouldn’t have driven into that wall. Just saying.

Hang on. BMW xDrive35i… Jacques Kallis, 35 years old. Sheez, I rest my case.

The BMW xDrive35i starts at R614 182

(as appeared in the July issue of the Kulula in-flight mag)

The Car With The Dragon Tattoo

On test… Volvo V60

You get two kinds of Swedes. One is a play-it-safe, minimalist-furniture-designing chap who’s really good a tennis. And the other is a death metal-loving Beserker who’d like nothing better than to stick a horned helmet on his head and invade Europe.

Up until now, it’s been the former who’ve been employed by Volvo to design their cars. Quietly-spoken men in frameless titanium spectacles called Björn and Øläv have not only been responsible for some of the finest songs in Eurovison history, but also some of the safest cars ever made.

Things have changed though. The Beserker blokes have boldly sailed into Göteborg and claimed the Volvo HQ as their own. Men with long, straight blond hair and suspiciously supernatural hammers are clearly running the show. We began to suspect as much last year when the crackerjack R-Design hatchback emerged from the halls of Valhalla, and if the new Volvo V60 doesn’t confirm this Scandinavian revolt, you can call me Leif “Spring” Süspensiøn.

Gone is the big boxy stationwagon of yore that required nought but a coat of black paint and maroon velvet window curtains to become a hearse. In its place is a shark-nosed bad-ass with a sloping rear roof line that blurs the line between estate and hatch. Ja, maybe this “sports estate” lacks the boot space of a true stationwagon, but is 430 litres behind the rear seats will still swallow plenty crates of Absolut, even if you now have to tie the reindeer carcass to roof racks.

There are also a bunch of engines to suit the svelte new shape. Top dog is the 3.0-litre turbo T6 (224kW/440Nm) with its all-wheel drive, but there are some nice torquey diesels and, if you’re not too bothered by a need for Thor’s hammer, the 1.6-litre turbo of the T3 (110kW) and T4 (132kW), that’ll do just nicely.

Clearly the Swedes recognise a nation of enthusiastic drivers when they see one and the V60 is only available in SA with Volvo’s “Dynamic Chassis”. It still feels like a Volvo on the road – comfortable and unthreatening – but there’s now more of an edge to its handling. One word of advice – get the auto Geartronic or twin-clutch auto Powersfit gearbox. The 6-speed manual is way too wobbly and often results in the enormously irritating “am I in 1^st or am I in 3^rd”.

And yes, yes it has all the safety features one could imagine… and a few you couldn’t. It is after, all a Volvo.

The V60 starts from R320 800 (Incl CO2 Tax and 14% VAT)

(as appeared in the July issue of the Kulula in-flight mag)

Han Solo Mio

On test… Alfa Romeo Giulietta Distinctive 1.4 Turbo MultiAir

Star Wars. It’s the perfect reference manual for life’s big decisions. Seriously. There’s no better place to seek advice than within that first great trilogy. Estranged father-son relationship? Stars Wars has the answer. Weird desire to rule the galaxy? Once again, Star Wars. Not sure what hot hatch to buy? Yup, it even helps with that.

Take the new Alfa Giulietta for example. Built on Alfa’s new Compact platform, its McPherson strut front suspension setup, multi-link rear design, and fancy Q2 electronic diff provide driving dynamics that rank right up there with the class -leading VW Golf. And like the Millennium Falcon could match the Empire’s battle cruisers light-year for light-year, so can the Giulietta match the German.

I tested the mid-range 125 kW, MultAir 1.4 turbo version with stop/start technology – an engine that provides impressive power and an even more impressive ability to pull from as low as 2000rpm. Plus, like the Millennium Falcon, it also has a hyperspace button. Yes, just like that little go-faster switch on Han Solo’s exotic space cruiser, the Giulietta too has a little rocker switch called the “DNA” selector that allows you to toggle between all-weather, normal and warp speed characteristics.

Where the Italian does unquestionably upstage the Golf though, is in the looks department. Whereas the Golf battle-cruiser is an exercise in form-meets-funktion design that keeps things neat, tidy and purposefully simple, the Falcon Giulietta is all about flair, quirkiness and surprising little details. The Alfa’s skull-nosed, squinty eyed font end might be a matter of taste, but the three-quarter rear view undoubtedly sets the benchmark for hatch design aesthetics.

Step inside the cockpit and there’s no doubt who vaporises who though. The Alfa’s interior is simply brilliant. Forgoing the retro touches of its smaller Mito sibling, the Giulietta is both elegant and contemporary. The Golf’s is really good… but this is a thing of beauty.

Choosing between these natural rivals inevitably boils down to a matter of personal preference. The Alfa is Han solo and his Millennium Falcon. Fast, flashy, debonair, though somewhat emotional and historically temperamental. The Golf is the Imperial cruiser and faceless commander – solid, utterly reliable and able to hit warp speed at will. On the down side, though, Golfs are everywhere, clogging up the space lanes from PE to Tatooine. And, as I recall, Han Solo and his ship out ran the imperial fleet on more than one occasion.

The Giulietta 14.TBi Distinctive costs R279 900. Stats (claimed): 0-100 in 7.8 sec, top speed

(as appeared in the April issue of the Kulula in-flight mag)